One Fork to Far

Like Patti Cake, Twiglet had a fair share of boyfriends in her time. Some normal, but most strange with three large suitcases full of baggage. The first a kind hearted teddy bear with a love for cars, stealing cars that is. The second a narcissistic, pot-head, womanizer , who Freud would have had a ball with. And the third a drug dealing, split-personality, obsessive compulsive with a cherry full of jealousy on top. The third, Smokey the Bear, was as sweet as pie at the beggining of the relationship, seeming laid back and care free, Twiglet liked his attitude. But as time went on his true colors slowly began to seep out, with brief temper tantrums and severely paranoid notions, he was not the man Twiglet thought he was. Regardless, Twiglet had faith and moved in with Smokey, hoping for the best. Twiglet put up with his OCD and mood swings for a long time, seeing as that her nature is quite passive.
One day Twiglet cleaned their apartment as a thoughtful gesture for Smokey. When he returned home he was irritated as usual. He went into the kitchen to make himself a sandwich and suddenly came rushing into the bedroom with a fork in hand. ¨What is this!¨he yelled, ¨a fork¨said Twiglet. ¨It´s a dirty fork!!!¨he shrieked as he grew more and more upset, ¨Sorry,¨ Twiglet replied beginning to feel uncomfortable. ¨How many other dirty forks are there! Huh? Have you been giving me dirty forks everytime we eat?! Answer me!¨ ¨No¨said Twiglet, trying to hold back her laughter from such an immature act of anger. ¨Are you sure! I think you have, I think you´ve been giving me dirty forks. That´s it we´re over! Leave!¨ ¨Yes, I´ve secretly been giving you dirty forks our whole relationship, I guess the truth is finally out,¨said Twiglet with a smirk on her face. ¨Oh you think this is funny do you! I knew this relationship would never work.¨And it didn´t luckily for Twiglet. Thank God for dirty forks!

The Baker Man Bakes a Cake

Thirty-six is by no means old, especially in the realm of the sexual world. All is usually functioning properly and the drive still tends to be quite high. Viagra isn´t normally
a word in the language of men at that age, that is unless they are drug abusers, or the Baker Man.
The Baker Man´s sexual performance was never quite up to parr for Patti Cake, but once his obscene behavior became more apparent she didn´t seem to be interested in sexual relations with him anyway.
One month after Patti Cake dumped the Baker, he began to ponder more and more on why she would leave such an upstanding citizen like himself. He felt that perhaps it was due to his lack of passion in the sack. After doing some research he decided to invest in a bottle of Viagra to give him that extra kick. ¨This will get her!¨he thought.
In a desperate attempt to see Patti Cake, the Baker Man began to do some investigative stalking on Facebook to see where she would be going that evening. One of her friends made a comment about a restaurant they would eat dinner at later that night and the Baker Man quickly called one of his friends begging to go there with him to make it seem as though it was a strange coincidence.
That night as Patti cake enjoyed her lively dinner, she suddenly felt a tap on the shoulder. As she turned she saw the Baker and tried to cover her expression of disgust. They carried on with polite conversation and after he returned to his table. From there he began sending her desperate text message, those of a dirty, provocative nature, speaking crudly about his sexual feelings. As Patti Cake tried to change the subject the messages got worse, until he finally told her he had bought some Viagra and would like to test it out. Patti Cake began to feel as though she was going to be sick, she ran to the bathroom with one hand covering her mouth, where she found the Baker Man blocking the door. ¨Please!¨he begged, ¨Just one more time! We can have dessert at my place, I baked a cake!!¨ No longer able to hold it in any longer Patti Cake´s dinner ended up all over the Baker Man´s blue collar button down. Seeing his attempt was fruitless, he walked home to his upper east side studio, head held low. When he arrived home he went staright to his computer, typed in Match.com and began his search for a viagra lovin´lady. Watch out girls the Baker Man may want to Bake you a cake!

Damiens First Crash

Damien seems to have a long line of bad luck, or more so instant karma. When she does wrong she has imidiate consequences for her actions. The police force in her small town all know her by name and have caught her in a series of petty crimes including pot smoking, drinking underage and numerous other acts. One cold winter day Damien decided it would be a great idea to practice her driving skills, due to the fact that she did not yet have a license, in the rented car of her boyfriend´s cousin. Seeing as Damien has only driven a handful of times it may have been slightly more intelligent to practice in a parking lot or another enclosed space with no cars or people, but the devious streak in Damien told her that the open road was the way to go. Blasting 50 cent in the car, she drove the car to the local gas station with her boyfriend, whoes rap name is Shit 4 Brainz, in the passenger seat. As usual they were arguing about facebook flirting with hoes, as they pulled up to the station. Parked in front, Shit 4 brainz hops out of the car pulling up his gangster capris (because nothing screams tough guy more than overly baggy jeans cut off right above the ankle) and goes into the gas station to buy Colt 45 and Dutches to roll blunts. While sitting in the car, Damien decides she wants to show her ¨hubby¨whoes really boss. She turns on the car, and as he´s about to walk out of the gas station she hits the gas plowing right into the glass doors of the gas station, barely missing her boyfriend. In a state of shock, Damien snaps out of her vengeful rage and realizes that there are fifty cop cars parked around her. She bursts into tears and starts explaing that it was all an accident, she was just trying to park. Hummmmm the subconcious is a scary thing Damien!

Twiglet´s Bad Pants Day

Twiglet is what you would call a broke fashion snob. Constantly criticizing the badly dressed, she has a taste for beautiful clothing that she cannot afford. As the equivilant to fashion week in her beloved city of Barcelona approached Twiglet squirmed with anticipation. The day before the show was to begin she decided to take a nap before going to pick up her ticket. Waking up five minutes before she had to be there, she quickly ran out the door in her pyjamas, make-upless and in a bitchy mood. When she arrived, she recieved a frantic call from her agent friend asking if she could go to a model casting (the money would be good)! Whats better than getting paid to wear amazing clothes, she thought, so she accepted and ran to the casting. When she arrived the woman at the door looked her up and down, wondering why such a bum, looking like Mary-Kate Olsen in her typical hobo gear, would think she could get a job as a model. She got the job, proving how desperate some people are for a skinny model, and was asked to look more ¨presentable¨for the job the next day. ¨Maybe it would be good if you invested in a push up bra, make-up and some heels,¨ said the agent. Told she would only have to wear leggings and a t-shirt, Twiglet figured this would be easy. The next day at nine a.m. Twiglet arrived looking somewhat like a baby prostitue, ready for work. As she looked around the showroom, she began to feel frightened. All the clothing was covered in glitter and fake jewels, not exactly high fashion. Her boss finally arrived and told her she would be wearing never before seen leggings, that were one of a kind. As the pants came out of the bag, Twiglets expression changed from confusion to utter disgust. These weren´t Kate Moss, these were Britney post nervous break down! The leggings were meant to look like fake jeans, with the outline of the pockets and zipper, in shiny spandex, with a knock off Ed Hardy look. The glitter and jewels on the other clothing were nothing compared to these blinding examples of pants. Just when she thought it couldn´t get any worse, her boss pulled out a pair with fake straps of a yellow thong comming out the back.....ahhhhhhhhh New Jersey!!!! Apparently the Miami designer thought these were amazing displays of fashion forwardness and asked Twiglet what she thought, her mind was running with phrases normally used to describe Vegas call girls, but she said, ¨Oh....well their very different.¨Seeing the pants weren´t as bad as actually having to wear them, when on the pants looked like body paint. All day she had to stand in embaressment as people asked to touch her legs to see if the pants were real. She was phtotgraphed by magazines, taking the photographers aside and politly asking if they could maybe blur out her face in the photos, in fear that she would be in Vice Magazine´s worst dressed list. After hours of humiliation, Twiglet also had to deal with those who had a remarkably bad sense of style, claiming that these pants were amazing, revolutionary, different (duh they were different, no one else would produce something so hainous!). As a group of Irish ladies walked in her boss asked her to model the pants for them, they all looked in awe. Finally one lady spoke up, ¨I love them, their great, but if we buy them we´re going to have to bring the model home with us because she is the only one that would be able to fit into them. You see in Ireland we like to eat our dinner and this young lady obviously does not.¨Maybe it was the pants, or the feeling of looking like a prostitute, or the fact that she couldn´t hadn´t smoked a cigarette for five long hours but Twiglet let it rip, ¨look you fat bleep just because I´m thin dosen´t mean I don´t eat, I could out eat you anyday and still look better than you, you jealous bleep!¨ And that´s how Twiglet lost her job wearing the worlds ugliest pants.

Patti Cake and the Baker Man

Patti Cake, the proud mother of a long brown Twiglet and tiny white Damien, has had many male admirers in her life. All akward and some how each resembeling a member of the Village People, these men all have had major defective qualities. If they were to be in Willy Wonka´s golden egg room, all would have gone down the ¨bad egg¨shoot. Although this is true, none have been as hilariously strange as the Baker Man. At first glance the Baker Man did not look like the handsome, burly young lad that one would suspect to be with Patti Cake, but hell times were tough. The Republican (strike one) went on to tell Patti Cake that he was a proud supporter and employer of the former president, George Bush (strikes two, three, four and five). As I said before times were tough, I mean we are in the middel of a recession, and apparently Patti Cake thought this recession had to do with men as well, so she took what she could get. Relationships are a funny thing, in the beggining the other persons flaws tend to be over looked, even thought of as cute but sometimes there are certain characteristics that just cannot be ignored. One morning as Patti Cake dreamnt sweetly in the bed of her sweetheart, she awoke to the sounds of loud splashing comming from the bathroom. In a state of confusion she arose and opened the bathroom door to find her fourty-something year old boyfriend splashing around in the bath tub with a rubber duck and all, thinking this must be the cause of working for such an idiot like Bush, she turned around to exit but her eye caught a shiny object on the bathroom shelf. As she moved closer she realized that this object was what every woman fears to find in the house of their lover, a hair straightner!!!! Ah!!!! Running back into bed she fell back asleep, pretending it was all a bad dream. When she awoke the second time, she felt more at ease wandering into the bathroom to brush her teeth, she caught her Baker Man taking a piss sitting down with a wide smile on his face, ¨Good morning¨, he said¨What do you think I should wear today?¨ Now reality could no longer be seen as a nightmare, and as Patti Cake rushed to put on her clothes she knew that this Republican, Bush employee, bath taking, hair straightening, piss sitting, bad egg was not the man or woman for her.

A Day in the Life of the Devil: The birth of Damien

Damien was born seventeen years ago in the form of a tiny baby girl. She showed signs, as time passed, there was a twinkle of evil in her right eye, a glimer of anger so pure she put ¨Carey¨ to shame. It seems the first real act of devilish rage occured at the innocent age of six, which included a screw driver and the sounds of such a high pitched shriek even Axel Rose couldn´t compete. Her elder sister, Twiglet, aged ten at the time, was occupying the phone, whispering mindless gossip and giggeling like the school girl she was. Damien had decided that she wanted to use the phone and when her request was denied her once pale skin began to turn five different colors of red, until steam came out of every hole in her body. Screw driver in hand, she began to chase her sister around the house, up and down the stairs, yelling obscenities that no young woman should ever say. Something along the lines of ¨you bleep i´ll bleep you! Burn in bleep you bleep!!!!¨Twiglet finally locked herself in a room panting and holding the door in fear as the skinny little Damien threw herself into it repeatedly. Hours later all was silent, as Twiglet slowly opened the door she found Damien outside on the floor sleeping like an angel. When Damien awoke she had no recollection of what had happened and climbed into Twiglet´s bed to snuggel.